


but some kind of madness is swallowing me whole

by cornerstones



Category: Figure Skating RPF
Genre: Feelings Realization, Fluff and Crack, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-01
Updated: 2019-09-01
Packaged: 2020-09-27 12:37:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,151
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20407873
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cornerstones/pseuds/cornerstones
Summary: It's 3am and Javier just discovered his former rink mate who's always been tight lipped about his private life was wearing a ring on his ring finger. But that doesn't have to mean anything to Yuzuru. It certainly doesn't mean anything to Javier, he decides as he tries to ban all of this from his mind.-----Javi finds out that Yuzu might be married, but it's not like Javi cares, it's not like it will affect him in any way. (He does, and it will.)





	but some kind of madness is swallowing me whole

**Author's Note:**

> just a silly idea based on the _ring vs wrinkle gate_ that occurred this july when close up photos of yuzu's hands from his short at the cup of russia 2018 came out
> 
> title taken from madness by muse

Javier has learned a long time ago to not delve into social media too deeply.

He rarely even looks through the comments on his own Instagram account because, even so there are still many nice people out there leaving lovely comments, he knows he doesn't want his mood brought down by some troll. As a public person, and thus sometimes a target as well, he knows better than to subject himself to fan wars, speculations and hysteria.

So when he stumbles across a random Instagram post about it, he barely glances at it and ignores it at first. When he changes apps and scrolls through Twitter a little while later, there's the same photo set again, though.

He frowns at the caption – _that's just a wrinkle right?????_ – and then promptly dismisses it.

That is until he's looking at the same photo set yet again in another tweet and this time the caption makes him pause.

The photos depict closeup shots of his former rink mate's costume for the short last season; more precisely, they are closeups of his gloves and sleeves and Javier lets his eyes wander over the bedazzled sleeves. He never got to look at it in person, he reasons with himself. But more importantly right now, his gaze gets stuck on his hands because of what the tweet says.

_HE IS WEARING A RING ASGFKJLLDFHJGKLSFL_

Javier zooms in to properly see for himself. And sure, it looks like there might be something... but then he thinks back to the previous tweet. _Must be a wrinkle, after all_, he reckons and zooms out of the picture.

He intends to go back to his regular timeline but something keeps nagging at the back of his mind, some kind of agonizing uncertainty – which is why he finds himself typing _Yuzuru Hanyu_ into the search bar on Twitter and he's met with an onslaught of similar tweets, all screaming into the void and throwing out several theories. There are also some people claiming it's simply a wrinkle in the fabric of his glove and Javier doesn't know which side to believe more.

He mostly finds the same set of pictures and the same discourse again and again until he comes across some other pictures of similar closeup shots. In those, Yuzuru is drinking from his bottle and Javier decidedly doesn't let his eyes wander down the deep neckline of his costume.

He feels a bit creepy as he zooms in on those pictures as well but that feeling is quickly replaced by the stunned realization that there it doesn't look like a wrinkle at all.

That's most definitely a ring. Isn't it?

It's weird, Rostelecom was more than half a year ago, why is this suddenly blowing up like it does? If this had come out earlier, he could have at least asked Yuzuru in person during Fantasy and wouldn't have to subject himself to this now.

It gives him a sudden idea though, because he knows whenever Yuzuru wears gloves with his costumes, he always takes them off in the Kiss & Cry after his program. That'll give Javier a definite answer and he can finally let this rest.

He opens YouTube to search for the video but when he clicks on it, he lets it play from the start instead of simply skipping to the end. It is a beautiful program and a marvelous performance, after all.

For a few minutes, Javier forgets all about why he's watching the video in the first place and lets himself get pulled under Yuzuru's spell.

He grins at how the British Eurosport commentators keep gushing over him, wondering if they might run out of adjectives over the duration of the video, and he chuckles at the shot of a fully immersed Brian during the replay.

If they were still rivals, he would feel so differently about what he just watched and what was said about Yuzuru. But Javier's retired, and now he finds himself wholeheartedly agreeing without a shred of resentment: Yuzuru is in a league of his own, and no injury will take that from him.

The replay ends and he sees Yuzuru, Brian and Ghislain sitting in the Kiss & Cry, waiting for the score and – Yuzuru is still wearing his gloves. Javier watches till the end of the video, waiting for him to take them off but that never happens. The video ends and for a few seconds he just stares at the replay button.

He goes back to the still open photo set on Twitter and inspects it once more. It still looks like a ring there. And there must have been a reason for Yuzuru to not take off his gloves.

So it must be a ring, after all.

It's 3am and Javier just discovered his former rink mate who's always been tight lipped about his private life was wearing a ring on his ring finger.

Javier closes all apps on his phone and puts it on his bedside table to finally go to sleep, but he feels weirdly unsettled and his mind won't stop circling around the pictures he's just seen.

*

Two days later, he still can't quite stop thinking about it.

So what if he was wearing a ring?

Objectively, that doesn't have to mean anything at all. Just because he wore it on the ring finger and apparently didn't want people to see after his skate doesn't have to mean anything. Just because he normally never wears rings and only wears necklaces and bracelets that have a deep, personal meaning to him doesn't have to mean anything. Right?

It's all fine, it could have just been a random accessory, just a passing fancy. And anyway, it can't be a wedding band since those are worn on the left hand – aren't they?

Before he knows it, he's got Google search open on his smartphone.

It's... interesting, what he finds out. Because apparently, in Japan it's actually not all too common to wear wedding rings. But if it was a wedding ring, he surely wouldn't have worn it on the right hand. It's just something that Javier did with that promise ring he had with Miki years ago, Yuzuru doesn't have to hold the same sentiment behind his jewelry.

After a few more sites about ring meanings where he finds out that apparently men sometimes do wear their wedding bands on the right hand, Javier closes the tab with a deep frown on his face.

He doesn't know why he feels so disgruntled about what he's found out. The ring still doesn't have to mean anything to Yuzuru. It certainly doesn't mean anything to Javier, he decides as he tries to ban all of this from his mind.

*

Okay, so maybe that ring does hold a special meaning to Yuzuru, he thinks mere hours later while preparing dinner.

But surely not marriage because he would have told Javier if he was married, or if he was planning to get married.

Yuzuru has claimed time and time again after all that Javier is an important person to him and even if their communication hasn't always ran smoothly or all that constantly, he still believes Yuzuru regards him as a close friend. So he definitely would have told him.

It's not the same as with his injuries or anything that he never really outright told him about. But something like an engagement, marriage even, that's not something he would have knowingly kept from him.

But then again, maybe it wasn't a conscious decision of his to keep it from Javier. Maybe he wouldn't have told him about it because in reality they actually really suck at keeping in touch regularly.

So maybe Yuzuru just simply... forgot.

Maybe in the end Javier isn't such an important part of Yuzuru's private life, maybe what they had was simply constricted to skating alone. Maybe now they are just two people who once have somewhat worked together but have parted ways after Javier had retired.

It's a thought that dims his spirit for unknown reasons he isn't sure he's ready yet to explore further.

*

It's not even forty-eight hours later this time that he finds himself thinking _so what _if_ he's married now?_

In that case that's nice for him but it's not like Javier actually really cares about that. It doesn't change anything about their relationship after all and Yuzuru is free to do as he pleases and if marrying someone is what he thinks should be his focus now, who is Javier to tell him otherwise, really.

It's just interesting to speculate who he might be married to.

It must be a skater, obviously; someone from the skating world who understands the life he's leading and the sacrifices he has to keep making for this sport and his country. Like he himself knows, Javier's mind adds.

Not dwelling on that thought, he keeps thinking about who it might be. Most probably a Japanese skater then, someone who knows his culture and speaks his language. But it's wholly unlike Yuzuru to just jump into a marriage with someone who he has barely spent time with, and Javier knows that he spends more than half the year in Toronto.

But he doesn't train with any other Japanese skaters – that means it's got to be someone from Team Cricket.

Maybe Jason?

He knows Yuzuru had gotten along with him long before this past season when he changed coaches and that Jason's easy smiles and sunny personality have always drawn Yuzuru in. Which is something that Javier has never noticed negatively, and he for sure has never felt any kind of jealousy whenever he watched that happening, definitely not.

Then there's also the fact that Jason speaks Japanese, so that would definitely make Yuzuru feel more comfortable since he wouldn't have to fumble with English all the time. So Yuzuru would feel like he has someone who meets him halfway, someone who's evidently committed to make their relationship work.

Absentmindedly Javier contemplates if he should maybe look up some Japanese courses.

He probably should have done that ages ago when he had been with Miki but there has just never been a real language barrier between them, so there was never really any particular use for him to master the language.

He did pick up some phrases over the years; he especially liked throwing them at Yuzuru during training sessions when he would least expect it – only to see the shocked expression on his face that always quickly turned into delight.

Those are maybe his favorite memories of training together: making Yuzuru smile and laugh, to try and make him loosen up a bit when he got too lost in his own manic mindset.

Focusing back on what matters right now, Javier tries to think of other training mates of his. He pauses for a moment when he thinks of the other Javier but quickly bans that thought from his mind; that's plainly ridiculous, they wouldn't match at all. And anyway, he is pretty sure that Javier has a boyfriend right now and they're very happy together.

With a start Javier realizes that for some reason he only thought of men when trying to gauge who would be proper marriage material for Yuzuru. He feels a bit ashamed for assuming like that, especially considering that they have never actually talked about what their sexualities are.

He guesses that Yuzuru has probably been thinking of him as straight but he has also never asked him to confirm it, just like he has never asked Yuzuru if he is gay, or at least not straight, because that would have felt too invasive. Yuzuru's just a deeply private person and he only shares what he wants and on his terms and Javier has always tried to respect those set boundaries.

But now it makes him reconsider – what if Yuzuru is actually straight?

For some reason, that just feels... maybe not wrong, but weird. Definitely weird.

*

A few days later Javier finds himself on his way back from a successful meeting about the Revolution on Ice shows and he feels betrayed by his own mind because by all means he should really be thinking about his shows, how he can see that what he's tried to build up here actually flourishes and that his plans seem to work out – and yet his thoughts just spiral back to Yuzuru and that damn ring.

_Why didn't he invite me?_ he thinks, a bit of resentment settling in his mind. Though then again, he has to concede that they have never been on that level that they invited each other to meet their respective families, they have never been on that level of _close_.

(Even if they did meet each other's family actually, at some point; mostly after competitions, rarely at the Cricket Club. Usually they went out to eat somewhere and Javier felt weirdly proud to have his family meet his enigmatic training mate, just as he felt jittery about meeting Yuzuru's sister and father. But that's besides the point here.)

But if _he_ were to marry, he would invite Yuzuru for sure, although the probability of him attending would be slim to non existent. But he would like to have him there, in that special moment of his life; they have shared so many of those, it would only feel right to share that one with him as well.

But more than the fact that he wasn't invited do his thoughts dwell on the question _why didn't he tell me?_

Does this mean that Yuzuru doesn't trust Javier, doesn't trust his discretion? Did he think Javier would tell anyone? Or is it just as he's feared a couple of days before, that Yuzuru simply forgot about him?

Whatever it is, it hurts, as unwilling as Javier is to admit it.

Oh god, maybe he thinks Javier's homophobic and didn't feel safe telling him about it. Which is of course ridiculous since he's pretty sure he's bi actually – but Yuzuru probably doesn't know that, does he? And Javier doesn't think he's ever given him any reason to assume he's anything other than straight.

He takes a deep breath as he arrives at his apartment. _This is all speculation_, he tries to remind himself through the disappointment.

_This is all speculation, you don't know anything for sure._

Without really thinking about it, he turns on his laptop and searches for flights to Toronto. For no particular reason, he just wants to visit his old club and coaches again, that's all.

And if it was to happen he accidentally ran into Yuzuru, well then he can at least ask him out for coffee and then proceed to ask him what he's missed, build up that friendship they were always on the brink of falling into. It's going to be a nice encounter and it will be good to see familiar faces again he hasn't seen for a while.

*

As he's waiting for the days to pass by so he can board his flight to Canada, Javier's spiraling again.

This is probably a mistake. Yuzuru is married, what does he want to achieve with going there for a surprise visit? He clearly didn't want him included in his life, he didn't want him there at his own wedding, that should be a sign as clear as day for him to stay the fuck away.

Yuzuru gets by on his own just fine, obviously. He doesn't want Javier.

And so what, what if he maybe cares about all of that?

What if he maybe cares about Yuzuru not wanting him to know about important things like that? What if he maybe cares about Yuzuru not wanting him, period?

What if he maybe cares about Yuzuru, on a deeper level than he could have possibly anticipated?

This has all become such a mess, and even if maybe over the years he has felt like there was something between them, that Yuzuru was maybe more interested in him than Javier let happen, then he's clearly moved on from that. He's got the ring to prove it.

The journey to Toronto does nothing to settle his nerves, it only makes him physically as exhausted as he is mentally at this point. When he gets to his AirBnB he can't do much more than simply fall into bed; he's glad his frantic mind quickly quietens down and that he's out like a light as soon as his head hits the pillow.

Tomorrow he will finally get answers and he can move on from this terrible uncertainty.

*

He doesn't think going to Cricket has ever made him as nervous as it does the next day. Anxiety is eating away at him and he can't help but feeling like he and Yuzuru won't be the same after today.

His mind is circling around all the ways he could fuck up today or how Yuzuru will react seeing him there, how he will react to Javier's questions.

He's still not sure how honest he should be with him about himself and his feelings, because wouldn't it be wrong to come on to a married man, no matter how interwoven their history is?

Javier is too late with his own realizations and with acknowledging his non-platonic feelings for his former training mate, what good would it do now to tell Yuzuru about what they can't have anymore? Is Javier actually going to talk to him with an ulterior motive, to see a perfectly good marriage crumble just because he finally caught up with everything?

He can't do that to Yuzuru and his partner, that's not right. He just wants to see him and wish him the best of luck for his future.

He wants to tell him he wishes him only happiness and that he's glad he's found someone he wants to share his life with.

When Javier enters TCC and steps into the locker room he doesn't expect Yuzuru to be sitting there. He's busy putting his earphones away carefully but looks up as soon as the door falls shut behind Javier, his face utterly surprised at seeing him there and Javier's mind blanks.

"You could have told me you were married!" he suddenly blurts out before Yuzuru can even say anything, too loud in the otherwise quiet locker room.

Yuzuru's expression morphs into bewilderment and Javier feels a bit ashamed about confronting him like that. But without waiting for Yuzuru to react to his outburst, his mouth suddenly keeps going.

"I'm sorry you didn't feel safe with me, that you didn't feel like you can trust me with that. I know it's been... difficult between us and I know I was difficult about us but I didn't think it would lead to us being strangers after all those years.”

He's gesturing wildly as words just keep tumbling out of his mouth.

“I'm so sorry, I never wanted to assume but I guess I did and we should have talked more about this but I wanted to respect your boundaries and I just hope you don't think I'm homophobic and that's why you didn't tell me, because I'm not, I'm actually pretty sure I'm bisexual but I never realized and I don't know how we're ever supposed to come out in this sport, so I totally understand why you didn't talk about it, I just wished you could have told me. I care about you, Yuzu, and I wouldn't have told anyone else of course but I know it's my fault you didn't think you could trust me with this. I just wish we... we could at least be friends, for real this time. I... I just miss you. I miss us."

Only when he finally stops to take a deep breath does he notice that he's been rambling, maybe even too fast for Yuzuru to keep up and when he looks at him again, _really_ looks at him, Yuzuru's just staring back at him, blinking rapidly.

_Oh great, what a way to start this conversation_, he scolds himself and feels a blush creep up his neck.

In a quieter and definitely calmer voice, he adds: "I'm sorry. That... that was a lot. I didn't mean for that to... I'm sorry."

Yuzuru's face does something complicated, still blinking quickly, and Javier can feel his nerves again because _he still hasn't said anything_.

He takes a deliberate breath and wets his lips, Javier's gaze stuck on the bit of tongue peeking out, and he swallows visibly.

Javier wrings his hands as he's impatiently awaiting whatever Yuzuru wants to tell him. He finds out that he's not prepared for what Yuzuru settles on.

"I miss you too."

Javier can feel his eyes widen. From all of his ramblings, that is what Yuzuru took from that? _That's_ what he decided to react to?

He wants to feel frustrated that Yuzuru hasn't answered any of his actual questions and hasn't settled any of his nagging anxieties, yet at the same time his heart flutters at hearing him say that; at the implication that that was the most important bit for Yuzuru.

"Javi... you talk very fast," he chuckles and the sound feels like home to Javier. God, has he missed this man.

With his eyebrows slightly furrowed, he cocks his head to the side.

"But why you here? And why you say I'm married?"

"Because..." he scrambles, looking for an explanation that doesn't make him sound half out of his mind. "Because... you were wearing a ring! In Russia. I saw it."

Javier knows that he sounds sort of ridiculous and the petulant tone of voice he uses is probably not helping his case.

Yuzuru still looks a bit confused, so he tries to elaborate: "During your short at Rostelecom. You... Underneath your glove, there were photos where you could see you were wearing a ring."

A slight grin appears on Yuzuru's face while he's talking.

"You... look at photos of me?"

Javier really hopes he's not actually blushing right now. "That's... that's not the point, Yuzu!"

"Did Javi miss me so much you look at photos of me?" Yuzuru continues, full on grinning now.

"Yuzu..." he whines, his hands coming up to hide his face. He knew he would suffer during this conversation but he hadn't anticipated he would suffer in quite this way.

Apparently Yuzuru decided to take some mercy on him because he can hear him clear his throat but he doesn't immediately start talking as if he's searching for the right words.

His voice is quiet and surprisingly shy when he finally says: "I did wear ring."

Javier's shoulders sag in resignation. He's told himself time and time again that he would come here and hear these words and yet they hurt nonetheless. He takes a breath to prepare himself to lift his head, put on a smile and tell him "I'm happy for you" like a proper friend would do.

But when he looks at Yuzuru, he's not actually looking back at him and there's a slight blush on his cheeks. It's not what he would have expected from a newly married Yuzuru but maybe that just goes to prove how little he actually knows him in the end.

"It was, uhm..." He huffs out an embarrassed laugh and looks up at Javier again. "You know, before skate when I got dressed in locker room I found little... I was nervous a bit about skate and then I found like little plastic ring."

Javier feels his brows rising as he listens to Yuzuru talking.

"I don't know where it was from, maybe sink or something, it was very small and I started playing with it and putting it on fingers."

He mimics his past motions with his hands, fiddling with an imaginary ring and putting it on and off of some of his fingers. It's such an endearing little quirk, Javier would give him a fond smile if he wasn't so busy processing what he's actually hearing at the moment.

"It fit on my finger– on my ring finger, but then it didn't come off again but I had no time because I had to go out for warmup. I have so much... I feel so embarrassed and I didn't want to take it off with cameras filming," he finishes his retelling of what happened with another shy giggle, his nose and eyes scrunching up adorably.

Javier can't do anything but stand there, completely dumbfounded, feeling more than a bit ridiculous about his spiraling thought process these couple of weeks.

A fucking sealing ring. Javier has spent weeks in agony because of a fucking sealing ring.

He doesn't know if he wants to tear his hair out in frustration or if he wants to grab Yuzuru and kiss him out of pure relief.

"So... you're not married." His words almost get lost in a relieved exhale.

Yuzuru shakes his head with a smile.

"You come to Toronto because you think I'm married?"

Javier scratches the back of his neck to have something to do with his hand. "I don't know, it seemed like a good idea at the time?"

"Javi, you so dramatic," Yuzuru giggles and Javier can't help but join in, albeit weakly.

His own chuckles quickly turn into a sigh. "I'm sorry for being ridiculous."

Again, Yuzuru shakes his head. Still smiling, he stands up and slowly walks over to Javier but stops a few feet in front of him. Javier wants to close the distance between them so badly but he doesn't dare to just yet; he doesn't dare to make what he thinks is happening right now real.

"You mean it? You care about me?"

"Yes, of course," he replies instantly. If he didn't care about him, he wouldn't be standing here, making a fool out of himself, after all.

"And you... you want us be friends? To _still_ be friends?" There's a lingering melancholy in his eyes at that that speaks volumes of their complicated history. And an equally complicated future, he suspects, should neither of them take the initiative here.

"Yeah, I do..." he says in a hushed voice.

Yuzuru's smile widens a fraction and Javier finds himself smiling with him and for a moment his mind is calm.

The quiet atmosphere is cut off though when Yuzuru bursts out into yet another round of giggles.

"You thought I'm married!"

"Come on, it's not that funny..." Javier tries to safe face in vain because Yuzuru ignores his protests and just keeps on laughing.

"Who you think I marry?" he asks with a curious flicker in his expression.

"Uh, I... uh..." he stutters eloquently and part of him wants to squirm under Yuzuru's focused gaze.

Then there's also a part of him that, even in theory, utterly rejects the idea of Yuzuru being married to anyone. (_Well, maybe not exactly _anyone_ but more like anyone _else_, _his treacherous mind adds.)

Something must have shown on his face because Yuzuru's mouth quirks up in an amused smirk.

"I know Stéphane is sometimes looking but I think he too old for me. Also he's not living close. Conrad and Joseph very young and talking is not so easy with them."

Javier can't believe what he's telling him but Yuzuru just seems amused by his perplexed expression and goes on: "Same with Jun, he's like little brother. So maybe Jason? He speak some Japanese and he's very nice, and he makes me laugh often. And he has pretty face and –"

"Yuzu, stop, please," Javier interrupts him, sounding a bit desperate even to his own ears. This is torture, surely Yuzuru must know this.

"You don't like I could marry him?"

Javier knows he's being played, that he is knowingly messing with him and yet he can't find it within himself to answer with anything less than the truth: "You know that if I did I would have called you and not booked the next flight to Toronto."

Yuzuru's expression sobers up a bit at that and his smirk softens into a private smile.

"So dramatic," he repeats in almost a whisper, a hint of a joke still in that statement that gets overshadowed by so much fondness, Javier's heart skips a beat.

"I noticed..." Tentatively he reaches out a hand to touch the sleeve of Yuzuru's black training shirt, feeling the fabric and his delicate wrist underneath his fingertips. His eyes trail his movements. "You only mentioned men. When you talked about who you could marry..."

He looks back up and sees Yuzuru biting his bottom lip and nodding his head.

"And you are..." He trails off, licking his lips and scanning Javier's face with intense eyes. "You are not... straight?"

Oh. Did he actually say that during his rambling? Obviously he must have, otherwise Yuzuru wouldn't ask with such certainty in his eyes.

"Yeah." His voice almost catches in his throat at the admission. Even though he said it earlier, this time saying it feels laden with importance.

Yuzuru looks down to where Javier still has his hand tracing the hem of his sleeve. "I thought... you only have girlfriends."

"I did. Maybe there was only..." He swallows against his suddenly dry throat because the next part of what he has to say is a bit harder to voice, and even though he knows this thing between them is getting real, it still feels like a make or break situation.

"There was only one man that I..."

His voice trails off when he feels Yuzuru taking his hand into his own, intertwining their fingers. It's such a simple gesture and yet in this moment it feels monumental.

"Yeah..." Yuzuru says in a breathless voice. Finally he looks up and in his eyes Javier can see all the emotions that he feels in his own heart.

"For me, too."

Javier caresses his hand with his thumb and for the first time in weeks, he feels like he can actually breathe freely again. He cannot help but smile at him helplessly and he'd feel foolish about it if it wasn't for Yuzuru smiling at him brightly in return with only honesty and happiness in his eyes.

Javier's gaze flicks down to his lips and without thinking about it he lifts his free hand to cup Yuzuru's face.

But just as he's about to lean in Yuzuru's lips tug upwards in a cheeky smile: “Maybe I should wear ring sooner. If you react like this.”

Javier already knows he will never live this down – and if he's completely honest with himself, he kind of looks forward to it, to what that implies.

“Maybe one day I give you a real ring.”

Still smiling, Yuzuru lets go of his hand only to bring both of his hands up to Javier's nape.

“So dramatic,” he breathes out warmly and leans in to meet his lips.

**Author's Note:**

> the instagram/twitter captions are (as far i know) not real......not that anything else in this fic is real lol
> 
> also this was supposed to be just a short and silly crack fic, how the fuck did i end up with 5k of this??
> 
> thank you for reading! <3


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